Tips For Talking About Estate Planning With Your Family Over the Holidays
With COVID-19 still part of our everyday lives, your 2021 holiday season may not feature the big family get-togethers of years past, but you’ll still likely be visiting with loved ones in some fashion. The holidays are always a good time to bring up estate planning given the ongoing pandemic. Talking about these issues is particularly urgent this time around but discussing estate planning over your holiday dinner most likely won’t be received very well. In order to make the talk as productive as possible, consider the following tips:
1. Deciding How and When to Broach the Topic
Asking your dad about his end-of-life wishes while he’s watching football probably isn’t the best way to broach the subject. Consider how and when this type of discussion may make sense. Sometimes working in a recent story of a friend that has lost someone dear to them is relevant and talking about what happened in that situation is a good way to start the discussion. For others, a story from the news or a recent article you read might be a good opening. If you are at a loss for how to bring this topic up and need a story to reference, read my recent blog post regarding the tragedy of Jean-Pierre Adams whose wife spent nearly 40 years caring for her husband after a botched surgery left him requiring life-sustaining treatment from the age of 34 to 73 when he finally passed. His wife cared for him for nearly 40 years when the surgery left him unable to communicate, to move his limbs, to feed or bathe himself. It is a tragic story and what one would want if they were incapacitated is an important topic that families should discuss. Talking about these topics can be a good opening to discussing the wishes of your family members, sharing your own wishes, and asking if your family members have any documents in place regarding their end-of-life wishes.
2. Explain Why Planning is Important
As you start discussing estate planning, assure everyone that the conversation isn’t about prying into anyone’s finances, health, or relationships—it’s about providing for the family’s future security and wellbeing no matter what happens. It’s about ensuring everyone’s wishes are clearly understood and honored, not about finding out how much money someone stands to inherit. Talking about these issues is an excellent way to avoid future conflict and unnecessary expenses. When family members don’t clearly understand the reasoning behind one another’s planning choices it’s likely to breed conflict, resentment, and even costly legal battles. Most people do not understand that if they do not put a customized estate plan in place, they will likely be forcing their family through a very long court process called Probate, which can be extremely stressful and very expensive. Here is a quick 4-minute whiteboard video on how Probate works if you want to know more. LINK HERE
3. Set Aside a Time and Place to Talk
While you may have opened the topic for discussion in a casual conversation, if you aren’t able to complete the discussion or if there is more that you want to discuss, you may want to schedule a follow-up time when your family can gather to talk about this without distractions or interruptions. This means letting them know your intentions before the gathering and being upfront with them about the meeting’s purpose so that no one is taken by surprise. Choose a setting that’s comfortable, quiet, and private. The more relaxed everyone is, the more receptive they will be to opening up.
4. Create an Agenda and a Start/Stop Time
I’m not suggesting that you treat this like a business meeting, but rather create a simple list of the most important points that you want to cover in this conversation so that if the conversation goes off-topic, you can navigate back to the topics you wanted to cover. Encourage open conversation. Some find it helpful to have a set start (and possibly a stop time) for the conversation. This can help keep the discussion on track and prevent people from veering too far off-topic. Remember that the goal is to simply get the conversation started, not to work out all of the intricate details. You also don’t want the conversation to overshadow the holiday celebration, so keeping discussions at a high level with a plan to regroup on the topic at another time, if necessary, can be a good way to go.
5. Discuss Your Own Planning Experience
If you’ve already created your plan, you can talk about the planning documents that you put in place and why you chose them. Describe how the process unfolded and how the attorney supported you to create a plan designed for your unique wishes and needs. Mention any questions or concerns you initially had about planning and how they were addressed. If you have loved ones who’ve yet to do any planning and have doubts about its usefulness, discuss their concerns in a sympathetic and supportive manner. Sharing how you dealt with similar issues whenever possible. If you don’t have an estate plan in place, set up a consultation with a trusted estate planning attorney and encourage your family members to do the same. If you are based in California and you are not already working with an estate planning attorney, book a free consultation here.
If you have questions on how best to handle these conversations, please reach out to me. I can help you brainstorm creative ways to start the conversation and help guide and support you in having these discussions with your loved ones. When done right, planning can put your life and relationships into a much clearer focus and offer peace of mind knowing that the people you love most will be protected and provided for no matter what. Contact me today to learn more.